The last few months I have been struggling, with what I really couldn't put my finger on it but just felt out of sorts. It was very apparent to those that have been around me too. My poor husband for sure noticed. Talk about an emotional wreck. I have realized that I have turned to into a person that I am not proud of and do not want to be. Well, let me kind of rephrase that, there are parts of me that need to change but I'd like to hope there are still some good parts to me.
The magnify glass came out, when our church started a challenge for the year. For us to get into the word on a daily basis. To set a goal of reading the whole Bible or a portion of it... This is something I have slacked on the last few years. I have started with reading the New Testament. As I have been reading, it has been helping to open my eyes to what my issues are that need to be changed. It all has to stem from my heart and what is in it... I have not been guarding my heart, nor my mind. I find that the littlest thing can piss me off or alter my mood when I should be able to take it in stride and move on. It upsets me more to see how it not only effects me but also the ones that I love that usually take the brunt of it.
There have been some situations lately that God has really opened my eyes to how I am in it but also to others. One biggie is judging people/making fun/poking fun at someone, unfortunately it just comes out. I hadn't really thought much of it until the last month and I had two instances. One, I was sitting with a group where one person made a comment about another person at the table (where the other person could not hear, but I am sure they did, because they continued to repeat this to everyone at the table). The comment had to do with how this person felt that the other person should have some work done so they would be more attractive. I was shocked that this person would say that and all of a sudden I had that voice inside that said "how many times have you said something like that?'... Gulp. The other situation was when I overheard somebody talking about me and I thought "how rude, with friends like that who needs enemies" and again the voice interrupted with "doesn't feel good does it, what friends have you done this to?"... Got it, God.
Matthew 15:18 But the things that come out of a person’s mouth come from the heart, and these defile them. 19 For out of the heart come evil thoughts—murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander. 20 These are what defile a person;
I have to take control of the condition of my heart. Changing what goes into it... More of God and a lot less of me. Filtering those things that do not need to be an influence. Words, thoughts and attitudes are going to be a part of what needs to be weeded out. I am tired of living life this way and I am ready for it to change. Just means I have to do some changing first.
Instead of being jealous, angry, impatient, mean, and unforgiving, I will try to be 1 Corinthians.
So this is kind of part 2 of the inner battle. Yesterday during praise and worship, I was thinking/praying and my mind drifted to remembering a special person that I had had in my life. She was a mentor to me and so many ladies... Her presences has been missed in the past years that she has been gone. She was so full of grace, wisdom and the sweetest spirit you could have ever met... I just began to cry. I don't have this in my life any more and at that moment I realized how much I need it. I looked around the church and realized that I really do not know anyone outside my immediate circle of our life group, a few people that I know from outside church for years and then a few acquaintances. How have I gone to a church for 8 years and not have made more relationships? How do I start? You mean I have to get out of my comfort zone? I love my life group girls but there is just something special about having an older woman to look to that has been there and knows how to pray and guide you through it. I am blessed to have family members that are great influences too. My mom and cousin are super supportive and are there when I have a question or need prayer but again it is nice to have someone outside your family to talk to and pray with. So at this point let me just put this out there... I am looking for a new spiritual mentor. Any takers? ;)
To be continued...
